I’ve spent the night sifting through some of my old writings. Peering into our past can tell us so much about ourselves. So much about the things I wrote suggest that they were written by me — from the sensitivity and vulnerability to the reverence for nature that I tried so hard to capture. Yet, I know that the girl who wrote them just doesn’t exist anymore. I can never be her again, even if I wanted to. She was so innocent, so naive. In a way, this piece on springtime has come to encapsulate a spring-like season of my own life. I know that I can never love like that again, and it has nothing to do with being unable to find the right person or anything like that. It’s because I’ve tumbled too far through life. I’ve loved too many. I know too much about humans now. I could never idealize another finite person like that again. Also, with a first love, everything feels so new and magical. But if you love enough people, the feelings might seem just as powerful, but you eventually run out ways to express those feelings. Anything I say to another person now seems recycled, old and tired. Every time I mouth something like “my heart floods with feelings for you,” I’m reminded of the fact that I’ve said similar things many times before and it loses its luster a little bit each time. Getting older means trading in youth for truth. Little by little, first-times are given up and replaced with insight.

Glimpses of Spring (2009)

The Ecosphere is booming with life.

Fresh flower buds emerge on sturdy branches,
amidst fleeting traces of soft, delicate fragrances.
Silkscreen petals give off a translucent lucidity
gracefully cascading….
a kaleidoscope of color.

New birth surrounds us
as the cool, earthen, soil is ready to nurture plantlife
and further bestow enriched, plush greenery.

Blue skies resplendently gaze down upon us
and feathery clouds traverse across the global heavens.

Consequently, the humans are filled with vigor, zest, and fresh enthusiasm
as they, all together, shift time forward.
So the sun agrees to stay with us a little longer
for his company is so pleasant.
And when he must bid us adieu,
his parting gift is a musical blend of creamy
oil-pastel colors
painted in sweeping motions across the evening sky.

And here, I find myself,
with this heightened sense of awareness
of all that surrounds me.
My eyes indulge in ever-available beauty
and feast on the tiniest of delights
–like water droplets
sliding down glassy charcoal pebbles
and aphids circling up stems.

The cool air calms and allows me to breathe easy.
-bringing renewal
-tingling the skin
-unwinding all tension.
An enlivening therapy.

And I think to myself,
with a striking realization
This, it must have been something like this.
When your mother eagerly awaited your upcoming arrival.
And the day you finally tasted your first breath.
After all, what more befitting a time, than this?
For someone so wonderful to join in existence
and come into being.
What a special synchronicity.
Had they known you, ancient mystics would have deemed YOU the reason
the personification
for the splendor of springtime that surrounds us now.
The fair earth rejoices, and sings her jubilant song
so as to welcome you.
And now, the world calls on you,
with a beckoning ear.
It longs to hear your unconventional, revolutionary ideas.
It awaits a visionary like you.
To lead humanity down a new path
to Utopia.
I often listen in awe when I witness your voice
and the the ingenuity and inventiveness which stems from it.
These ideas are gifts, which you share with me.
Your thoughts are freer than most.
Yours are outwardly expressed.
Yours captivate, break boundaries.
You speak with determination, certainty, and strength of mind.
You stir hope.
Much like the hope that the changing of the season has brought to the flora and the fauna.
Humanity waits for you, too, to herald something new.
To deliver a glorious message of evolutionary transformation.
Your voice, it already permeates such passion.
In the natural world, seeds spread in multiplicity
to create an explosion of vibrancy.
You, too, will prosper on a grander scale.

My heart floods with feelings for you.
Even when you’re not around,
I feel your positive energy
uplifting me
and when in your presence,
there is a strong sense of security and guidance.
I find myself daydreaming of you
and the joy you bring me
and in those moments,
all is harmonized.
You make me smile,
like the wispy blades of grass that playfully dance in the breeze
yet you also bring strength and meditative peace
like tall, zen-like branches that pensively sway back and forth.
And incomparable to anything
– is the boundless love
so ethereal, enveloping
That intrinsically connects
you to I.

Billions of years ago
a profound accident happened, by chance.
And the earth slowly formed and eventually began to sustain life,
making everything we see now, plausible.
And by some continuing, expanding phenomenon,
countless factors throughout history and time
have fallen upon one another
to make the conditions favorable enough
so that you and I,
by some beautiful stroke of fate
could be brought together.
Nothing we ever do, or don’t do, is without relevance.
Destiny unfolds, as it hinges on our very actions.
It is an honor to be with you today,
and partake in the celebration
of the momentous event
that brought you here, now.
For you are as miraculous to me as the Big Bang, itself.
Our interconnectedness radiates such magnitude.
Happy Birthday, ***.